I’m thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level. Dana Carvey
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash 
register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. Joey Bishop
Never eat more than you can lift. Miss Piggie
New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. David Letterman
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive. John Sladek
Beyond the Alps are more Alps, and the Lord Alps those who Alps themselves. Groucho Marx
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